the song that never ends

It's been a few months since my last blog..which I have decided really isn't healthy-blogging is good for my soul.

Isn't it interesting how God works, teaching us the same lessons time and time again..its a wonder he doesn't get bored with his children sometimes--just another display of his affectionate love.
How absurd is it that in the few months since I have been back in Eugene, it seems I have almost completely lost sight of the life-changing revelations I shared in my last blog. Absurd, and absolutely aggravating. It makes me long to walk in the shoes of Paul, David, James...any of those who seemingly had it all together for at least a majority of the time. I just want to know HOW. How do I grasp these discoveries God reveals to me enough to implement them into my day to day life..so that when he wants to reveal to me something further, I am ready to receive it? God tells me to let go, and let Him. But how? Am I making things more complicated than need be? Knowing my over-analytical self, that's probably the case. :) But it is frustrating nonetheless.
Recently He has taken me to further depths of understanding my identity, in a more practical sense. Despite (or possibly because of it?) my lack of self-discipline in pursuing the identity he had been revealing to me, he apparently is taking a new approach. In the past month or so, the things I had previously found most of my self-worth and value in have been ripped out from beneath me. For the first time in my life, I am not considering an athlete. For the first time in my life, school doesn't come easy to me..and my grades are less than commendable. For the first time in my life, I have been really skeptical of my chances of the man to marry. Every pitiful thing offered by this world that I have been so desperately clinging to is being ripped from my white-knuckled fist.
What's left? Just me. Broken and naked-a crystal clear depiction of heart-wrenching humility.

But I guess that's right where God wants me, huh?

freedom in the rising sun

<- that would be the sunrise this morning. thanks for that Jesus :)
It is currently 7 am, and believe it or not, the past 9 or so hours were not spent under my covers. God decided to teach me a lesson or two that ended up lasting all night, and the aftermath is obviously still going strong as I am voluntarily awake right now, with no intention of going back to bed for a while. That in itself should be deemed quite attention-grabbing, as sleep happens to be one of my greatest delights.

So what was it that kept my eyes wide all hours of the night? God is slowly but surely walking me through the realization of my identity in Him-a concept that is fully understood by very few followers of Christ, despite its commonality in the 'Christianese' terminology. Coming to a fully understanding of our identity in Christ is an on-going process that will never be completely realized until we are living in the eternal presence of our mighty God in Heaven..and even then, I personally believe there will continue to be more that He desires to teach us concerning who He has created us to be. So lately I have been given brief glimpses that leave me wanting more and stir up an incredible supernatural hope in realizing who I truly am.

I am a regal princess.
I am His Beautiful One.
I am a Child of God.
I am His Beloved.
I am His Treasure.
I am His Favorite One.
I am made holy and pure in the glory of his grace.

Tonight I was talking with a friend and he shared a beautiful revelation with me: the difference between condemnation and conviction. Condemnation tells us that we are defined by our actions ( ie. I drank alcohol, therefore I am an alcoholic). Primarily, it says that we sin, therefore we are sinners. Conviction tells us that we are called to be holy in Christ. When we stumble, it tells us that we are way too awesome to be acting like that, and we are called to a higher Way. Such a common mistake that I know I am guilty of is living a life of condemnation. The truth is that we were sinners who have been made pure by sanctification in Christ. He has redeemed us, therefore we are no longer sinners. Of course we still sin, but we find freedom in His grace so that our sin does not define who we are.
How incredibly beautiful.
By choosing to live in that condemnation, we are refusing God's astounding gift of love...which is not showing a whole lot of gratitude in my opinion. If we are truly thankful for the love of God that surpasses all understanding, all shame, all sin, then why aren't we fully receiving it?
Receive. -> another puzzle piece in discovering my identity. God is teaching me to release and receive. I must release my old self in order to receive the new creation he is offering me.

Release deceit. Receive Truth.
Release fear. Receive Power.
Release doubt. Receive Faith.
and so on..

Obviously, there is a lot left for God to work on in my life until I reach a point of implementing my identity into a lifestyle...but the glimmer of light that he is shedding on my life is exciting and enticing. I am on an incredible journey with the Most High God, which is allowing me to discover what truly defines Britni Clarice Steiling.

the genius of keith green

My son, My son, why are you striving
You can't add one thing to what's been done for you
I did it all while I was dying
Rest in your faith, my peace will come to you
For when I hear the praises start
I want to rain upon you
Blessings that will fill your heart
I see no stain upon you
Because you are my child and you know me
To Me you're only holy
Nothing that you've done remains
Only what you do for Me
My child, My child, why are you weeping
You will not have to wait forever
That day and that hour is in My keeping
The day I'll bring you into Heaven
For when I hear the praises start
My child, I want to rain upon you
Blessing that will fill your heart I see no stain upon you
Because you are My child and you know me
To me you're only holy
Nothing that you've done remains
Only what you do in Me
My precious bride, the day is nearing
When I'll take you in My arms and hold you
I know there are so many things that you've been hearing
But you just hold on to what I have told you
For when I hear the praises start
My bride, I want to rain upon you
Blessings that will fill your heart
I see no stain upon you
Because you are My child, and you know Me
To me you're only holy
Nothing that you've done will remain
Only what you do for me

in the eye of the beholder

What is beauty?
The world defines it as a woman with the "perfect" figure, luxurious furnishings, exquisite diamonds, and anything else associated with glitz and glamor. All things that will eventually fade away, which in my opinion disqualifies them as possessing true beauty.

In order to be genuinely beautiful, something must be able to supersede time itself. True beauty can weather stress, age, and destruction without losing an ounce of its appeal. Who but our Father in heaven could be the source of such a thing? But how beautiful is our Lord? It seems impossible to wrap my mind around the fact that he created every beautiful thing I have ever seen. Which means He even surpasses their beauty. Our precious Savior has more beauty than a waterfall interrupting a lush rain forest, a sunset on the African horizon, a couple growing old together in love, the birth of a perfect new baby, the timid bloom of the first rose of spring, and the dazzling glow of thousands of stars stretching across the night sky. I can't quite fathom how a being could possibly be more beautiful than all of the beauty in the world combined...but however that works, I want more of it in my life! I long to bask the in the presence of the Lord and literally soak up His beauty, so that I may be a vessel that shares it with those around me. Our Father so desperately desires for us to experience the gifts he created for us. Every person on this earth has been made worthy of getting a glimpse of His genuine beauty, and I aim to share it with as many people as He enables me to.

Psalm 27:4 One thing I ask from the LORD, this only do I seek: that I may dwell in the house of the LORD all the days of my life, to gaze on the beauty of the LORD and to seek him in his temple.

All in a day's work...

Just as the monotony of scanning one grocery item after another was about to push me over the edge, I was left dumbstruck by a customer’s comment that was far more profound than the average small talk exchanged within the confines of the Grocery Outlet.

I scanned this precious man’s last grocery item, and then proceeded to complete the transaction as he pulled out his EBT (food stamps) card. While we both patiently waited for the information to process, he glanced down at the screen and then back at me and casually said “Man, I’ve been waiting for approval my whole life.” He was obviously referring to getting his card approved, but looking in his eyes revealed how loaded his statement truly was. Being my awkward, oblivious self I brushed it off with an uncertain chuckle and sent him on his way.

Minutes later, a lull in my check stand line gave me time to reflect on what he had said. I was blown away that this humble man had fully realized and admitted a struggle that is common to almost all of mankind…seeking approval from one another. We are on an endless quest to receive a sense of approval from everyone we come in contact with, whether it is making a good first impression, pleasing our parents, or impressing a certain someone, we do not give up until we feel accepted and adequate.

My question is WHY? Why do we work so hard, why do we compromise ourselves, why do we strive with no end in sight, all for the measly approval of a mere human being who in fact is no greater than ourselves? That in itself seems ridiculous to me, but then you add in the factor of God’s love and it becomes downright absurd. While we are occupied with the tedious task of gaining one another’s approval, God is ready to lavish us with his love, blessing, and adoration that completely surpasses any sanction from man. And what does he require in order to earn that love? All that He asks is that we simply be with Him. He longs for us to bask in His presence, and revel in the person that He made us to be.

So why waste our time and energy yearning for the approval of men, when we could instead be exploring the depths of God’s infinite love for us as He pours it out upon us…I know what I would prefer. :)

unveiled

I have been choosing to live a life unsatisfied. I have been choosing to drink vinegar over water, choosing sorrow over joy, choosing tears over smiles.

Christ desires to transform me, mold me into a new creation. He has given me the opportunity to shed the old me and put on the brilliant covering of renewal.

I know that feelings of guilt and shame are not from the Lord, but how can I feel anything other than remorse and frustration when I observe how I have been foolishly living? The most disheartening part of it all, is the monotony of being stuck in this rut, and not understanding how to get out.

I see the treachery that accompanies the path I am travelling- a lackluster life will dulled relationships, cloudy skies, and further retraction into the person I was instead of growth into the person I can become.

At the same time, I see how following the path of my Savior brings about the purest form of joy, satisfaction, fulfillment. I was created for the sole purpose of chasing after Him and learning how to glorify his name. Naturally, filling this purpose will bring about the pleasure of living in His presence, following His will.

I have no desire to live my life of old…yet I struggle to get sure-footing on the path of righteousness that leads to me as a new creation.

I must be freed of who I am, so that I may pursue who I am to become.

The beauty of it all, is that Christ desires for me to be released even more than I do. And it is in the process of being freed that I gain a full understanding of His grace, and a better acceptance of His love.

So Jesus, come and set me free.

2 Corinthians 3:16-18

But whenever anyone turns to the Lord, the veil is taken away. Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom. And we, who with unveiled faces all reflect the Lord's glory, are being transformed into his likeness with ever-increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit.

Desires of a 19 year old girl

I want to live happily ever after.

I want to impact the world.

I want to be good at singing.

I want to meet him, and to know it’s him.

I want him to want me.

I want to travel the world.

I want to eat as many cream puffs as I can, without facing any consequences.

I want to look like her.

I want my grandma back.

I want friendships to be like they used to be.

I want no one to go hungry, and everyone to have a roof over their head.

I want to play in a basketball game where there is no such thing as getting fouled out.

I want to adopt a baby from Africa, Asia, South America, and India.

I want a Persian kitty named Gus.

I want to be able to live a life of ministering on the streets without worrying about making a living for myself.

I want to play the piano.

I want to be confident.

I want to be serenaded by Jim Sturgess.

I want to enrich the lives of others.

I want to make a difference.

How is it so easy, so second-nature, for me to want these things, and yet such a struggle for me be in a constant state of want and desire for more of Jesus? Comparing a Persian cat to the Creator of the Universe..it doesn’t seem to be a difficult decision in choosing what I would desire more, but the answer is sometimes shocking.

Looking at how I live my life, what is it that I am yearning for? My fruit would show that often times it’s not more of Jesus, but rather the temporal things of this world such as romance and appearance. I find my thoughts revolving around these things, and my happiness is often dependent on whether or not they are within reach. Meanwhile, Christ is standing by hoping that I will wake up and realize that He is the only thing worth longing for. He would love nothing more than for me to simply WANT HIM.

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.” Matthew 11:28-29

I want to, want to want You.

I want to want you, Jesus.

I want to, want to want You.

I want to want to, Jesus.

You have shown your Truth,

I confessed my sins.

Teach me to repent and believe.

Lived a broken life,

You can heal my heart.

Lord your grace is all that I need.

I need to, need to need You.

I need to need you, Jesus.

I need to, need to need You.

I need to need you, Jesus.

You have shown your Truth,

I confessed my sins.

Teach me to repent and believe.

Lived a broken life,

You can heal my heart.

Lord your grace is all that I need. –Confessions, Casey Hurt