Integrity

Wrestling with God is not something I would recommend; he tends to win with flying colors, every time. A recent revelation showed me that the past few years I have been adamantly attempting to defy the calling the God has on my life. Silly me.

As I look over my teenage career, I have wondered numerous times what kept me from straying down the path of "rebellion" that so many of my peers chose. Odds were against me as a majority of teenagers these days dabble (those last 4 words make me sound 3 times my age...) in something that disagrees with the morals their parents ingrained within them throughout their childhood-such as partying, drugs, sex, etc. But not me, I was dubbed the "Goody-Two-Shoes" at an early age and most definitely lived up to my name. Taking it even a step further, those times that I did drastically "slip-up" caused me a seemingly great deal more conviction and agony than that of my friends if they were to make the same mistake. Why? There were certainly times that I wanted to break out of the stereotype that I had been confined to, but the opportunity never seemed to fully present itself. Obviously, I can see now that God was protecting me, saving my innocence and preserving my purity. I assumed that He would incorporate that into my testimony to be used further down the road, possibly in giving hope to young girls that it is possible to refrain from giving into peer pressure or something along those lines. I figured He knew what He was doing and I should leave it at that.

Recently God decided to give me a little insight, and to show me that I didn't exactly have it right. I learned that he has placed upon me a calling of integrity. Which explains much of why I felt pressure through the years to live above the standard; those in authority recognized that calling and did their part in obedience to help me steward it. But oh the irony-I am one who has always struggled with living a performance oriented life, and have only recently come to understand that God's grace, love and faithfulness towards me is NOT dependent on my abilities. Isn't it just like Him to anoint me with a calling of integrity, something that could so easily shift into a measurement of performance? But he has intended for it to be pure and holy, and nothing of my own works. It is more of a smack in Satan's face, as He turns a weakness of mine into a beautiful strength.

Now I am learning not to fight what he has ordained me for. Yes, it comes with greater expectations and higher standards, but also a greater portion of his strength. He abundantly makes up for our lacking. All he asks is trust. I trust that He knows me, and the path that he has paved for me is in perfect concordance with who He created me to be.

Psalm 37:3-7

³ Trust in the Lord and do good. Then you will live safely in the land and prosper. ⁴ Take delight in the Lord, and he will give you your heart’s desires.

⁵ Commit everything you do to the Lord. Trust him, and he will help you. ⁶ He will make your innocence radiate like the dawn, and the justice of your cause will shine like the noonday sun.

⁷ Be still in the presence of the Lord, and wait patiently for him to act.