not another B+

I have always known a weakness of mine to be that of making everything 'performance-based.' Growing up in an environment of athletics, school, and fairly accomplished family members definitely fostered this trait into one of prominence and reoccurrence. As long as I got the grade or made the steal, and maybe surpassed a peer as an added bonus, I was set. This tendency has dangerous side-effects of misplaced identity, self-conceitedness, broken relationships, etc. But as I have struggled with it over the past 20+ years I've found the worst of it is when it infiltrates my walk with Christ...which unfortunately is not a great leap and therefore happens often.

If I can just do one more act of service, read His Word for two weeks in a row, say something to really inspire a fellow believer who is discouraged..

...maybe it will be enough.

I've been in Sunday school long enough to know that we, as humans, will never be enough. Good works don't get us into Heaven.

And I sincerely believe that in the deepest part of me. God's grace has always and will always be what fills that extravagant gap between His glory and where we fall short. Although that grace is an absolute mystery, I do understand the beautiful concept of it making up for our insufficiency that we may spend eternity with our Creator.

But how do I live that??

In his grace and sovereignty, God has recently placed me in a position where I have less and less access to the temptation of turning to performance..giving me a glimpse of life without this constant battle.

I'm now married, and I would say it's safe to say most married couples don't intentionally seek out a grade or performance assessment of how they are fulfilling their role as a spouse. We fail, daily. This releases me from the desire to perform in this area of my life, seeing as how I don't even know what arsenal I would draw from in attempting to do so..I'm pretty clueless and reliant on God's guidance, the strength of love, and a patient husband.

He has given me two job opportunities that are primarily based on building deep rooted relationships..which is wonderful and healthy, but is somewhat lacking in seeing tangible fruit-I don't leave for home having manufactured a product or compiled a database..but rather hoping and wondering how much weight there really was in a certain conversation, or if I refrained or spilled too much. Relationships are tricky as it is, let alone basing a 'career' on building and sustaining them! It's nearly impossible for me to assess my performance in either of my work scenarios..which leaves me grasping for something concrete and measurable.

Am I doing enough?

God seems to be taking away any opportunities I might seize to try to answer that question with a resounding yes. It's a scary process, since that is what I have know for so long, yet an exhilarating one, as I am being freed and released to understand my identity solely in Him.

John 1:12But to all who believed him and accepted him, he gave the right to become children of God.

--> that doesn't say anything about he who performed up to par, or figured out how to be enough within his own abilities, simple he who believes and accepts.

Jesus, humble me, that I may simply and profoundly believe and accept.